The Most Wonderful Time of the Year? Maybe Not

The holidays are in full swing, with all the stress and joy and pain and exhaustion and excitement and togetherness and beauty and family and conflict and loss and loneliness.  Yes, all of it.    You may encounter any or all of these experiences at this time of year, depending on your family history, your current life circumstances, and your overall mood.  The expectations are high, though.  There are messages everywhere communicating that you SHOULD be feeling joy and getting into the holiday spirit.  Christmas decorations, songs, and advertisements abound.  Retailers are telling you daily how much you need to buy their products.  You may be feeling generous, showering loved ones with gifts, or perhaps you are Scroogey (yes, I just coined that term). Maybe you simply have no financial resources or have limited time to make those special items you dreamed of.   If eating or drinking are problematic for you, you are feeling out of control or tightening all your controls. Parties and festivities are constant.  Whether you’re invited or not, you probably know about them. If someone you love deeply has passed recently, their absence may feel bigger than everything else. 

If you celebrate Christmas, you may have warm, fond memories of opening presents under the tree, or of a sacred time going to church.  Alternatively, you may have terrible memories of neglect, disappointment, or worse at this time of year.  If you do not celebrate Christmas, you could be feeling quite alienated right now. Even if you have your own winter holiday, nothing measures up to the hype of Christmas in America, and nothing says “you don’t belong” like the ubiquitous, well-meaning “Merry Christmas” greeting that ignores the possibility that you are not Christian.   

Every year since I began practicing as a Psychologist, I have seen patients fall apart this time of year in the variety of ways that people can fall apart.   The dwindling of light in the fall sets the stage.  Moods start to plummet.  Many people want to crawl into bed, and some do.  The clocks barely have time to fall back before the Christmas decorations go up, alerting us to what is to come and to what is expected of us.  Travel, family, financial pressures and changes in routine may all bring fun and a needed break, but the build-up and the complications of family dynamics can also be enormously stressful and even deeply painful.

As a Psychologist specializing in trauma, I work with many who have no family to see, or whose families are so broken that they are re-traumatizing with each interaction.  Anxiety, guilt, shame, fear, and anger can all be reactivated in the family context, especially if the whole gang is getting together and drinking.  I’ve seen many people hold it together by a thread to get through the holidays and make it to all the gatherings where they are expected.  Caught in an insoluble bind, many feel it would be impossible not to attend family celebrations but know it will be destabilizing to do so.  They often go, subjecting themselves to toxic family situations, hoping this year will be different.  Every year after the holidays, reliably, psychiatric hospital beds and programs fill quickly.  All the folks who pulled it together to stay out or make it home for the holidays promptly unravel.

How can we decrease stress at this time of year?  It’s certainly not easy, as we can’t detach ourselves from the society within which we live.  Is it possible to give ourselves permission to do the unexpected, to follow our own instincts about what will be healthy and joyful for us?  Sometimes boundary-setting can be helpful.  I often work to empower patients to establish and maintain healthy boundaries with difficult family members or friends, increasingly building on the idea that their own needs are worthwhile and valid.   There are many ways to set boundaries: saying no to events or other demands, setting new expectations ahead of time, asking for a compromise, taking time out from a family gathering, speaking up calmly and respectfully about what offends/upsets you or about what you need.   You may meet with some fallout or resistance: systems (family or otherwise) don’t like to change.  If you hold boundaries consistently, though, things really may shift over time.  Start small and gentle and see what happens.  Bring a trusted friend or partner along to support you, or have their phone numbers on hand for a quick check-in. Just in case nothing improves and you are still suffering too much with your family, have an exit plan in mind, this year and every year. 

I also recommend increased attention to self-care.  This season, focus on giving your body what it needs:  a healthy amount of rest, exercise, and nutrition.  Keep up your meditation practice.   Find time for and appreciate creativity.  Again, I realize this is easier said than done at this busy time, but give it a try.  Little changes can make a difference. Prioritize time for relaxation and for people who are easy to be around.  Let yourself off the hook if your OWN expectations are what is causing you stress.  I like the saying “perfect is the enemy of good”.  There really is no such thing as the “perfect” holiday, gift, decoration or meal.  Maybe aim for “good enough” this year. 

Finally, if you are one of the many who end up alone when the whole world seems to be with loved ones at the holidays, know that you are not truly alone.  This is a painful but all too common situation.  There are so many ways we can end up alone at important times.  People can’t make a trip, or they had a recent breakup, or someone has died.  If you find yourself feeling lonely, allow yourself some needed moments to feel and express sadness and grief.  These feelings are normal, but try not to get stuck in them.  Allow the waves of feeling to come and go, as they will.  Try to neither fight them nor magnify them.

Perhaps you can use alone time to catch up on rest, or maybe there’s a project you’ve been wanting time to do?   Maybe a movie marathon? It’s a good time to try a volunteer opportunity if you feel up to it.  Many are in need, and you might cultivate a sense of meaning and belonging by contributing to others.  Holding on to the idea that it’s just a day (albeit one with a whole lot of cultural significance), and tomorrow will be yet another day, may help you make it through to the other side.  If you are affiliated with communities, self-help groups like AA, or religious organizations, these groups may have special meetings and resources available to you if you find yourself alone, vulnerable, and hurting on a holiday.   Reach out.  People are there to help.

The holidays are many things. If you find them festive and joyful, and they really are the most wonderful time of the year for you, then by all means lean in and feel all the good stuff!  If you don’t, or they are a very mixed bag, you are in lots of good company. Hang in there; try out some new strategies. Remember that a new day is right around the corner, and it just may feel different.